Definitive Gaze

Free Your Mind And Your Ass Will Follow

2005-09-01T21:48:00.000+01:00

Just back from my first meditation class run by these lovely people.
Now, anyone who knows me well will realise that I am not comfortable with any religion, organised or not, but the idea of meditation has appealed to me for a little while now. The chance to clear my head of everything which has been churning around and trying to find some inner peace might be just what I am looking for.
So, how did I feel it went? Well, not bad for a first attempt at something which I would previously have been pretty cynical about. I didn't fall asleep which was one of my worries. I think I had failed to appreciate the need to meditate on something, this 'term' we shall mostly be meditating on love & relationships which could be interesting! Oh, and our teacher looked just like Moby (no surprise there then!)

On a separate note, I will respond to Z & EM's comments below when I have meditated on them!

D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

2005-08-31T21:15:00.000+01:00

The number of divorces granted in the UK has reached its highest level since 1996, new statistics reveal.
Charity Relate said the rise was partly due to pressure being put on family life by an increasingly "individualistic way of living".

Well, I'm so glad that there is a sociological explanation!

When The Levee Breaks

2005-08-31T20:43:00.000+01:00

If it keeps on rainin’, levee’s goin’ to break,If it keeps on rainin’, levee’s goin’ to break,When the levee breaks I’ll have no place to stay.Mean old levee taught me to weep and moan,

and if that doesn't persuade them to take global warming seriously, I don't know what will!

Happiness Is A Worn Gun

2005-08-22T21:10:00.000+01:00

So, maybe I should be concentrating on things that make me happy...

Spending quality time with my kids - except I don't feel like a good dad at the moment, and don't want to poison them with all my bitterness.
Intelligent, informed conversation - but where does one find such a thing?
Sex - and how likely is that to happen in the forseeable future?
Hugs - ditto
Sleep - I am currently existing on 4-5 hours a night, and scared of waking because that is my lowest ebb.
Retail therapy - with no money?
Music - even this, my one true love, the one that has never let me down in the past, seems to have lost it's lustre.
Baths / showers - a simple pleasure but I always think clearer after abluting!
Achieving - little victories still help.
Making someone laugh - still my greatest quality I think, but are they laughing with me or...

Fuck me I'm miserable (on 2nd thoughts, who would!)

Blog Fog

2005-08-22T19:21:00.000+01:00

I haven't been doing much blogging lately, mainly because I am confused as to whether it is helping. I also feel that maybe I should be doing more practical stuff in order to sort my life out, rather than wittering on about what is wrong in my life.
Tonight I feel like posting but can't decide how honest I want to be, I know that if I was totally honest about my feelings at the moment instead of merely hinting at my mental state, then I might drive away the few readers I really do have. But hey, if you can't handle it, don't come here.

Everything Counts In Large Amounts

2005-08-22T19:18:00.000+01:00

I don't know whats wrong with my counter, just wish I was really THAT popular!

Officially Certified

2005-08-10T18:43:00.000+01:00

Find out what certificate the BBFC would give your life here

So then things got really messy...

2005-08-09T22:02:00.000+01:00

The last few weeks have seen me at the darkest place I have been and I haven't really felt like blogging, haven't felt like revealing my innermost stuff because it has just been too dark but now...

After Tanya & I split I became totally lost, I hate investing so much in one thing (I know unfairly) only for it to go wrong, I must learn not to do it again but then I would feel I was holding back and there never seems much point to that. So I had 2 weeks holiday booked from work, to have the kids and to do some things with them. The first week was to be spent at home, catching up on some practical stuff and spending some quality time with the boys, instead everything hit me at once, like a black avalanche, money/home/Tanya/Claire/loneliness/parenthood
And thats how things have continued pretty much. I took the boys away for a week to Butlins, I think they had a good time, but i felt I was wandering round like a zombie for a week, I had certainly got the black dog, as bad as I have ever had it. Then back to work (which I usually look forward to, some intelligent adult company and a chance to have a laugh. But of course Tanya was there and we weren't speaking, coupled with the fact that work becomes more stressful every week as they pile more & more unreasonable demands on everyone, for no reward. So everyone ends up snapping at everyone else and the atmosphere is poisonous.
And now Claire has taken the boys away for a week with her boyfriend, which, I think naturally, has really upset me, how dare they have a fucking family holiday, what the fuck has she done to deserve to find happiness when all i find is more misery at every turn.
I did think blogging was helping me, but a fast as i excrete poison, more replaces it, this could very well be my last entry. Thanks for listening

Disclaimer (2)

2005-08-09T22:00:00.000+01:00

Probably a better disclaimer than I could have written

Well it amused me

2005-08-08T21:40:00.000+01:00

Short and sweet

Having my cake

2005-08-08T20:07:00.000+01:00

I thought I'd lay off the blogging for a while (as I think I have been coming across as a bit 'mad'...) and do some more practical stuff instead, like clearing my kitchen cupboards of all the hoarded detritus that collects, you know the sort of stuff, foodstuffs that seemed like a good idea at the time, implements that never get used, little pots that might have come in handy one day to store something. Anyway, I also chucked some of the boys cutlery/crockery/baby stuff which made me more than slightly melancholy, and then, and then I put 'The Bends' by Radiohead on (good move!) and delved deep into a cupboard, pulled out a cake-tin, opened it up, and there lay the bottom tier of our wedding cake.
Oh shit!

Independence Day

2005-07-26T21:56:00.000+01:00

"I can't stand up and I can't sit down
'cos a great big problem stopped me in my tracks
I can't relax 'cos I haven't done a thing
and I can't do a thing 'cos I can't relax"

(Comsat Angels)

So in response to my anonymous commentor below (and I am getting really pissed off with people leaving anonymous comments, leave your name and then I can decide whether your comment/advice is worth heeding), yes there can be too much independence, I am tired of keeping all the balls in the air without any crutch to lean on sometimes (strange vision of me as a disabled juggler comes to mind)

So now I've found out who the anonymous poster is, I don't propose to use this public arena to say just how hypocritical their comment is.

Update

2005-07-26T13:36:00.000+01:00

So, I have 2 weeks off work, the first week I am spending at home, supposedly spending some quality time with the boys and doing chores, the second taking the boys to Butlins (they love it, and so, secretly do I!).
I realise that I need to use this time productively, being a good dad and sorting out all the things on my to do list. So why do I spend most of my time staring into space and wondering where it all went wrong (again!)? I don't propose to write why Tanya & I went wrong again, suffice to say we had different values and too many issues for each other to deal with.
I don't really know where my life is going again, I feel I need to break out of the work/kids/home triangle but as I don't seem to be able even to cope with them, perhaps I am not ready to take on anything more. I think maybe that I need to forget about finding strength from others and find it within myself. But then I get scared that if I get too independent I will cut myself off from others. Its a quandary!

Alone Again Or

2005-07-22T20:53:00.000+01:00

Well, once again my situation has changed, I want to blog so much, but then again...

Blogging replacing conversation?

2005-07-19T06:15:00.000+01:00

Now that Tanya has a blog too, sometimes I think we are in danger of only communicating our true feelings via our blogs, and as with all electronic methods of communication (texts, e-mail, chat) things can often be misinterpreted. And how have I decided to tell her this? ...

Riding A Wave Of Anger

2005-07-19T06:07:00.000+01:00

Woke up this morning (der dum der dum), early as usual, feeling angry at just about everyone and everything in my life, except Tan & the boys of course.
And now I can't even be bothered to vent my vitriol on those who have vexed me, which makes me....angry!

Am I? I Don't Know.

2005-07-18T19:57:00.000+01:00

You scored as Postmodernist. Postmodernism is the belief in complete open interpretation. You see the universe as a collection of information with varying ways of putting it together. There is no absolute truth for you; even the most hardened facts are open to interpretation. Meaning relies on context and even the language you use to describe things should be subject to analysis.

Postmodernist

81%

Existentialist

81%

Cultural Creative

69%

Modernist

63%

Romanticist

63%

Materialist

44%

Idealist

25%

Fundamentalist

25%

What is Your World View? (updated)
created with QuizFarm.com

The Big D

2005-07-13T20:51:00.000+01:00

So, had C/Stella round for tea tonight (no sign of stella thankfully) to discuss parenting agreement and some other stuff. We didn't disagree on too much, not that I thought we would, we have learnt to trust each other to do whats right and I think we both really appreciate the fact that we can discuss stuff in an adult manner and don't start using the kids as weapons.
She also asked if she could meet Tanya which I think will be OK, T&I seem more settled and I believe we may be going somewhere so now is probably appropriate.

The biggest bombshell I dropped (which turned out not to be a bombshell at all) was that I wanted a divorce. She had been thinking along the same lines which rather took the wind out of my sails and stole my thunder (and any other meteorological metaphors you care to mention!). I never expected her to cling to my ankle and beg for me back, I just felt the need to draw another line under that part of my life in order to move on. I don't think it will alter much at all, and I am not naive enough to think I will be ecstatic when the paperwork comes through, of course I will feel like a failure but a stronger failure.

Also, she is finally back on line in her new house and Stella's blog has disappeared into the ether which is a blessing.

Onwards and Upwards!

The Return of Aphorism Of The Day

2005-07-12T18:22:00.000+01:00

Two

same notes

do not

make a

Harmony

Sexy Boy

2005-07-11T19:44:00.000+01:00

It is years and years since I have felt as sexy (I hate that word) as I do now. That is all down to Tanya. She is so sexy without having to try but she doesn't see it, it is something that shines from within and cannot be forced out. It doesn't come from desperation or depravity or dressing up. It is a pure and good thing.

Support network

2005-07-11T19:32:00.000+01:00

One thing that my life is really missing is a support network, I don't have that sort of friends and my family live too far away (and if I am honest are uncomfortable with emotions and know nothing of the hell that was my marriage). I therefore end up relying too much on Tanya (yes she has a name!) which is unfair on her. Or I bottle stuff up inside, pretend I am strong enough to take it all, then it all explodes out in an uncontrolled rush. I keep toying with the idea of counselling, because although I feel I have progressed a long way recently, I am afraid of stalling and nosediving. I need to keep moving forward, and blogging is one way. I really resent my anonymous commenters thoughts that blogging was holding me back, on the contrary it has proved so useful in sorting my head out, thankyou blogspot!

Comments

2005-07-11T19:24:00.000+01:00

I know that part of the fun of blogging is getting comments back, but what happens when those comments make me feel uncomfortable, is it good form to delete them or is everyone entitled to their opinion? Should I explain to other readers who the commenter is or should I respect their anonymity? I never thought there would be so many dilemmas with this blogging lark!

Cheap Holiday In Other Peoples Misery

2005-06-27T20:24:00.000+01:00

I think Z may have linked to here in the past, if you get your entertainment from others angst (and if you don't, what the hell are you doing here?) give it a try.

Parental Agreement

2005-06-27T19:46:00.000+01:00

I have been working on a parental agreement for me & C to sign up to so we have something to refer to should any disputes arise. Things on the parenting and financial fronts are pretty much sorted but I know that things change.
C was always the organiser in our marriage and one of the most difficult things I have had to do in the past 2 years is learn to organise mine and my kids lives, lets just say it is not my forte! I think I am doing better recently as I wallow less. However there have recently been a number of small comments / actions / inactions from C which make me think her priorities have moved away from the kids and on to herself. (Now I may well just be looking for things to use against her and none of them would ever constitute anything like neglect).
She is (and I am sure would freely admit to being) one of the most selfish and spoilt people on the planet (especially in Stella mode, which seems to be the 'dominant' (ha ha!) one at the moment, funny how I can spot 'her' a mile off now, mainly an insufferable air of smugness.), and I can tell she is completely enamoured with SLG (they appear to spend every non-working moment together) This makes me feel:

Uneasy about the effect it is having on our kids, I know the day will come when one of them calls him 'dad' or me M***y ( no, not mummy, they still do that sometimes!) I just know they must be feeling confused and I hope she is being sensitive to their feelings.
Envy, T & I cannot spend the time together that C & M can because we both have kids, we spend 2/3 nights together a week but I do wish it was more. Ok, so T & I work together but its not the same, she gets to stare at the back of my head all day!

Anyway, thats quite enough over use of parenthises!

Bloggers, bloggers everywhere...

2005-06-27T19:33:00.000+01:00

I haven't said that T & I are back together again (again!) but we are, it sort of happened organically over our 3 weekends away together (Scarborough / IOW / U2). I am nervous about blogging too much about us as I feel it could jinx us, suffice to say that the woman has the patience of a saint to put up with all my issues!

I also found out today that she also has a blog! She had told me but I thought she was joking. Unfortunately she doesn't want me to link to it but suffice to say, like her it is funny, complex, deep, intelligent and witty.

Also, one of my work colleagues A, has just started one too, I am lending her my blogging book tomorrow, don't know if it will be any use, I am struggling with all the possibilities of blogging, think this is ending up as nothing more than an online diary which saves people rooting through my drawers to get to!

Slip Sliding Away

2005-06-26T09:19:00.000+01:00

Well I suppose it was inevitable that spending a weekend at home with the kids was not going to be as enjoyable as the last three weekends and so it is proving. I have at least come to some major decisions which I feel will move my life on even more than I have achieved in the past couple of months.

I will tell people if & when they have treated me, or those close to me badly. I am tired of stuff festering away inside me because I am too nice/scared/afraid of hurting feelings.
I will do things primarily for the benefit of my children and myself, we deserve some good times.
The third thing is the major one which I won't put here yet (ooh mysterious!), but rest assured I will no doubt be blogging about it more soon.

Putting myself to the test

2005-06-20T22:33:00.000+01:00

I have just played this just to see if I could listen to it again, its a song I loved but was just too painful for a long time. Well I got all the way through it without breaking down so thats progress!

Home sweet Home!

2005-06-19T19:38:00.000+01:00

Back from my 3rd weekend away in a row, really looking forward to a quiet time at home next weekend. Still, it was a great weekend, U2 put on a great show and I am pleased I saw them, even though they can be a bit 'worthy' at times. .
Methinks Zombizi doth protest too much, after all, I've never seen him & Adam Clayton in the same room together! (Yes, I know I am not the first to point out the similarity!)

Then went on to the Leamington peace festival, I am sure it becomes more hippyfied every year, far too much tie-dye, hemp and floatiness. Also didn't see anyone I knew there, they obviously have more sense than to subject themselves to folk music and chakra re-alignment.

Then home for fathers day tea with my boys, always will be slightly poignant as my marriage ended on fathers day two years ago but I got some nice presents and have decided that 2 years is long enough and am now moving on.

Another hurdle cleared with ease!

2005-06-17T20:31:00.000+01:00

Just got back from meeting SLG for the first time and it went OK! Funny how people don't live up to expectations! The kids showed off, must have been picking up on the tension but I think C was the most stressed of all. I feel all big and grown up now, think it will be another stepping stone on the crossing to a happier place!

T shirt

2005-06-16T21:56:00.000+01:00

Now if only someone had a birthday coming up I could buy them one of these

Cool, Schmool!

2005-06-16T20:47:00.000+01:00

I was thinking about Z's comment below and although I disagree with his assertion that I was ever the arbiter of Leamingtonian cool, I do feel I have broadened my musical tastes somewhat in recent times. I remember the days when I wouldn't like something on principle if it was a chart-bound-sound or if it wasn't released on some small, soon to be forgotten label but now I have developed a soft spot for Girls Aloud and Sugarbabes (I can't work out if this is me regressing or growing old!)

Anyway, I have recently developed a love for two musical genres I would have dismissed in my punky days.

Reggae, particularly dub and Lovers Rock (I know as a punk I should have always liked reggae, but I never really got it and now a spliff isn't a spliff without it!)
70's disco and funk (guaranteed to have me smiling and singing along and even dancing like a loon, this is not what I fought the punk rock wars for!)

I Love White

2005-06-14T21:43:00.000+01:00

Went to the Isle Of Wight Festival at the weekend:

Good things.

REM - a bit stadium rock but nice to see them, I have worked out that I last saw them on 27th June 1985, almost exactly 20 years ago, boy do I feel old!
Snow Patrol - still my favourite 'modern' band
Roxy Music - Who played lots of the Eno era stuff (obviously without Eno) and not too much of the dreadful '80s stuff. I still think that Roxy deserve to be up there with The Velvets and Bowie as the most influential acts of their era.
Great Weather
Going 'abroad'
The audience was nice and chilled and mellow (and yes, more my age!)
Good company

Bad things.

Supergrass - A sunny day and Gaz Coombes is surely a match made in heaven, but apart from 'Caught By The Fuzz' (the only song guaranteed to have me grinning) the were strangely lacklustre.
The worst coughing fit I have ever had, coughing on every breath for over half an hour, I really thought at one point it was the end, I have been having more thoughts about my mortality recently and this didn't help.
A ridiculously long walk from the camp site to the arena
Only one stage, I like festivals where there is always somewhere to go to see something interesting and I felt pretty ripped off.

Well, off to see U2 at the weekend (haven't seen them since 1983!)

Personality Crisis

2005-06-07T15:53:00.000+01:00

Today at work I did an online personality testas a bit of 'fun'. I won't link to it in case yours comes out a badly as mine did. It was like a slap in the face with a railway sleeper so I just walked out of work. I have since realised that it only picked up on the negative stuff so have re-written it to reflect me in a more rounded way (btw, I think the original was accurate, just only captured part of me) The added stuff is in italics!

messy, kind, irritable, intelligent, depressed, funny, fragile, opinionated, worrying, articulate,emotionally sensitive (this one I can live with!), does not like to lead, loving, phobic, trustworthy, weird, honest, suspicious, admired, low self control, dependable, paranoid, caring, frequently second guesses self, nurturing, dependent, independent, unproductive, passionate, introverted, gentle, weak, strong, strange, patient, unassertive, loyal, submissive, adventurous, familiar with the dark side of life, I am not a goth, I am a human being! feels invisible, good company, rash, considered, vain, and when you are as good as me, who can blame me! anti-authority, too bloody right I am! heart over mind, again whats wrong with that? low self concept, self-aware, disorganized, spontaneous, not good at saving money, generous, avoidant, non-judgemental, daydreamer, free-thinker, unadventurous, lucid.

Blimey, that was hard!

Summer time and the living is slightly more tolerable

2005-06-05T21:32:00.000+01:00

So, I did meet up again with the lovely Louise Wener who is 6 months pregnant (I have done the maths, and no, its not mine!) I'm afraid I probably came across as a fawning middle-aged saddo but... (I also finally got round to reading this at the weekend which I didn't think was a patch on this)
I also tried my hand at archery which I enjoyed and may look to try again soon.
This weekend I took my boys away and had a really good time, I think they really enjoyed it and they got on so well with my friends kids even though there is a big age difference. We went to Scarborough and of course we had to go to the fair (but no herbs of any description on sale!)
I've decided I like the summer, next weekend I am off for a Dad Rock weekend, then the following weekend, more Dad Rock and then off to relive my past at the Leamington Peace Festival, where I hope to bump into some old friends.

Catharsis

2005-06-02T07:45:00.000+01:00

Re-reading some of the stuff I have written has made me realise how cathartic this whole experience is proving. Yes, at times it makes uncomfortable reading and sometimes I do feel I am wallowing in self pity (the least attractive state known to man!) but I really do think I will come out the other side a better, stronger, wiser person.
Anyway, I am off to spend the evening with Louise Wener *sigh* (well along with about 40 other people, but a boy can dream can't he?)

Clearing my head and cleaning out my closet.

2005-06-01T18:33:00.000+01:00

I have just been for my evening constitutional which I find clears my head of all the work/office stuff and allows me to concentrate on how I am feeling about 'stuff'.
So what have conclusions have I come to lately on Stella.

Well, one thing I have realised is that very few people have come out of this whole sordid mess with any credit, but yes, there are a few. Some don't want to mention them on this blog and I shall respect their wishes but I would like to thank 3 people in particular.

R, a happily, newly married doctor with a small baby who Stella tried to seduce in an absinthe haze, he rightly told her to fuck off, (and promptly moved to New Zealand). Nice one mate!
Z, the only one of our mutual friends who ever tried to show her the error in her destructive ways, and who hasn't (to my knowledge) ever gained (much) entertainment from the end of our marriage.
L, her aunt who she involved in one of her early 'misdemeanours' (ooh, I've just realised, misDEMEANours!) and put in an awful position, and who I then verbally attacked without knowing the full story.

Oh, and obviously J&J the true innocents in all this.

So that got me thinking, what do the above people have that the others below lack, and I realised, they are sorted in their heads and in their lives.

To all the others involved, whether you were just involved by giving your encouragement, tacit or otherwise or whether you were more physically involved, no wonder you all seem to be unshaven a lot of the time, it must be so hard looking in the mirror sometimes. And to one person in particular, you have proved it is possible to hate someone who I would have always said was unhateable, I thought you were a gentle, caring, genuinely good bloke, sorry to say you ain't!

I'm off now to join the sorted and to leave you lot to thrash about in the cess pits of your lives!

Punk Rock!

2005-05-30T18:11:00.000+01:00

Today I went here.

I wanted to go in my original Seditionaries clobber but it appears to have shrunk!

If any of you are up in the Manchester area I highly recommend that you go.

Disclaimer

2005-05-30T18:07:00.000+01:00

Thoughts on this blog may not have been true 5 minutes ago, they might not be true in 5 minutes time but they are true now.

Losing Count

2005-05-29T12:54:00.000+01:00

I now seem to have lost my hit counter by restoring my comments, don't know if this is a good thing or not, am I shouting into the void? Apart from a few friends, who is going to know I exist (except maybe a few fans of Mr Devoto and the mighty Magazine who stumble here by accident, and if you are one of them can I point you in this direction).

Satan Stole My Wife!

2005-05-29T10:36:00.000+01:00

Maybe this is where I went wrong!

Entertainment

2005-05-29T10:27:00.000+01:00

I know I have been rather neglectful of the 'entertaining' side of this blog so you will just have to pop over here.

Another day older and what do I get?

2005-05-29T09:52:00.000+01:00

So, how do I feel today, more positive I think, had a nice chat with an old friend last night which helped.

Decisions I have made:
I have suffered enough emotional abuse for one lifetime, but it is not going to stop me putting myself in a position where it might happen again, otherwise I might never find true happiness.

I am going to have to see my ex-wife as 2 seperate people: Stella, the manipulative, selfish, abuser, and C, the mother to my kids and the good person I know and love. (After all, she is so good at 'compartmentalising' her life...)

I will be honest with people, I have hurt too many people in the past and to them I am truly sorry.

Mesh & Lace

2005-05-28T12:28:00.000+01:00

Stella asked me who 'I Melt With You' on the aforementioned 'Nouvelle Vague' cd was by, I said I thought it was by Modern English and I have proved myself right.
This got me thinking, didn't an ex-girlfriend of mine (to use a colloquial term) get off with the lead singer when we were seeing each other? No bad feelings there, I was hardly without sin. Funny sometimes how things connect.

Language lesson

2005-05-28T12:14:00.000+01:00

Did you know that New Wave = Nouvelle Vague (French) = Bossa Nova (Portuguese)?
The reason I ask is I have a few copies of this to give away (sans couvert!)
Its a bunch of new wave classics done in a bossa nova style by a french band and is fantastic. I gave a copy to my ex-wife and she loved it (as I knew she would, at least I still know some things about her).
Anyway let me know and I will send you a copy.

Finally...

2005-05-28T12:12:00.000+01:00

got the comments working again so you can tell me to shut the f*** up and stop whinging!

Well, what now?

2005-05-28T09:17:00.000+01:00

My mind has been in turmoil as is to be expected, painful memories and new thoughts but I am determined to benefit from all this by using it as a springboard to get my life back on track (for anyone who is confused please look a few posts down).
I am afraid I will continue to use this blog as a cathartic exercise but I promise to post some more entertaining stuff (although I suspect the cathartic stuff might be the most entertaining!)

So, what did I see in 'Stella', well the usual stuff I thought, we are very similar in our tastes (out of the bedroom!), values (yes I still think this even after all I know), aspirations (or so I thought), she is a good mother to our kids, she laughed at my crap jokes, we felt comfortable (oops!) in each others company, we shared the best experience of my life ( me holding her as the April sunshine flooded into our bedroom, our 2nd son just 'popping' out onto our marriage bed)
Oh you know, all the usual stuff.

Anyway, off to dry my eyes now, more anon.

Favourite Artist

2005-05-26T22:31:00.000+01:00

I think there comes a point in every mans life when he has to grow up and get himself a favourite artist.

I have reached that point, and the winner is Bernini particularly the statue linked which I was fortunate enough to see in the flesh (and yes, I know its marble but he did do flesh unlike anyone before or since) on my recent trip to the Eternal City.

Ginger, you're barmy...

2005-05-26T22:10:00.000+01:00

... was something my mum said to me (and no, I am not ginger, although I am so grey now I sometimes wish I was!)
Anyway, I doubt she would have approved of or even understood this post.

The lengths that some people will go to in order to get their jollies never ceases to amaze me, I have only just come across the practice of figging
but this may explain why Beyonce shakes her booty quite so vigorously!

Long Time No Speak

2005-05-26T20:38:00.000+01:00

Well, I suppose I should explain my absence first of all before getting down to the natty gritty...
Things here in my head have been in a bit of a turmoil, life never seems to get any better, I have finally and irrevocably split up with my girlfriend, we each had far too many issues for the other to deal with, I hoped we could remain friends as we work together and she is a very special person but I think we both found it too hard to stop bucking with each others heads.

I then thought I would take the opportunity to get some self-awareness, I guess it all started when my ex-wife asked me to go round and help her sort her CV out (yes, I already know I am as soft as shit!) and she made the mistake of leaving me alone with her computer, so of course I read a couple of things I shouldn't have, not bad in themselves but it brought up a lot of the old feelings about our split and that got me thinking... perhaps I can learn from mistakes I made in the past to make my life better in the future (time for an aphorism)

those

who

forget

the past

are condemned

repeat it

(George Santayana)

so I started revisiting the past, looking through old correspondence with my ex-wife, looking for clues as to why I was in the situation I was in, I think I have always shouldered more than my share of the blame for our split and needed to see that things were not all my fault. However I could find very little to go on but then I remembered that I am storing a lot of her stuff (yes, I know. I know!) including her old computer... so whats a boy to do? Probably should have left well alone, thats what! But no, I became quite adept at finding deleted files (I sometimes think I am wasted in my current job!) so I found some correspondence and other stuff which shed a bit more light on our split and her subsequent activities (at least from her point of view). This gave me plenty of food for thought and think I did. But of course that wasn't enough, that stuff was a year old and since then I know she has started a blog (she told me she had started one but wouldn't give me the address because it would upset me) and started seeing someone ( who we never really discussed for the same reason) so there was more (have you noticed yet that I might be a little obsessed, really this is all for my own good!).

So to cut a long, rambling and boring post short, this evening I finally found her blog (you don't really think I hadn't been looking ever since she told me she had been blogging do you?)

Its not particularly work safe but if you want to read it, its here

So, how did it make me feel, I guess the answer is I don't know, I do know I could never be everything to her, I was pretty good at being husband/provider/father to her kids (note no reference to them on her blog!). Just crap at being lover/soul mate I suppose. Obviously (or not, perhaps I'm just sick) there is a certain prurient interest, but I am also glad she seems happy. (Time for Aphorism 2, don't know if I have posted this one before or if it is original.)

happiness

is not

dependent

on others

unhappiness

anyway, this post has rambled on for far too long, I know promise you, dear reader, that I will post more and varied stuff, some light, some dark.

P.S. Just spoken to the ex to tell her I knew, she is going to delete her blog which seems wise to me, not for my sake but the SLG's not that I would ever use it against her, I am far too decent for that.

Happy Easter!

2005-03-27T12:00:00.000+01:00

Happy Easter!

Yes, I know it is probably the worst piece of photoshopping you are ever likely to see but I am more of an ideas man! (And I can't claim all the credit for the idea, some of that must go to Richard Fortey).

Aphorism Of The Day

2005-03-20T15:42:00.000Z

If you do nothing

everything

easy

Coming soon to a blog near you.

2005-03-13T11:37:00.000Z

Sorry, I have been rather neglectful of my small but perfect group of viewers, rest assured that coming soon will be stuff on chicken dancing/Venice/Metallica/Googlewhacking/the interface between The Cult & David Beckham and of course more aphorisms.

Aphorism Of The Day

2005-03-13T11:35:00.000Z

Happiness is

not just

the

absence of

unhappiness

Aphorism Of The Day

2005-03-10T20:20:00.000Z

Less

is pretty

much

the

same

Aphorism No.2

2005-03-09T22:18:00.000Z

Not so much an aphorism, more like my favourite slogan from a McLaren / Westwood Seditionaries shirt (and in direct contradiction to the last one!)

reasonable,

demand

the

impossible

This may be a quote from Ernesto 'Che' Guevara but I can find no solid evidence.

Aphorism Of The Day

2005-03-09T22:16:00.000Z

Desire

the

inevitable

Aphorism Of The Day

2005-03-07T08:24:00.000Z

Just a quick one before I go off to Venice...

Even now, years later, I never make the mistake of sounding wholly well or content when I talk to her.

Aphorism No.2

2005-03-06T20:53:00.000Z

Hell

is an

enforced solitude

heaven

voluntary

one

the above is by Don Paterson, my favourite aphorist (?) who also has a great one about anal sex which I couldn't possibly post!

Aphorism Of The Day

2005-03-06T20:49:00.000Z

As I have been enjoying the delights of Liverpool & Southport this weekend, I have missed a day so will post a bonus aphorism today. No.1

Feeling secure

is a

warning

Aphorism Of The Day

2005-03-04T08:17:00.000Z

The object of

your desire is

not

an object

Aphorism Of The Day

2005-03-03T20:38:00.000Z

I am getting into aphorisms at the moment...

Definition: A tersely phrased statement of a truth or opinion; an adage.

I will ration myself to one a day, and today's is

if it

has gone and

you are alive,

you didn't need it.

Once a punk...

2005-03-02T22:37:00.000Z

A few more of my current obsessions are...

Seditionaries Clothing (if only I had the money)
Jamie Reid once again...
Brian Jones (no, not that one) slightly more affordable

Ah well, time to look in the attic for my bondage trousers.

2005-03-02T22:36:00.000Z

Hopefully one day I will learn to post some sound files so you too can enjoy some of the fine sounds.

Music Addiction

2005-03-02T22:11:00.000Z

I am lucky enough in my job to get cheap CDs and we have been selling off a load at work for 50p a go so I have been picking up some bargains. Unfortunately this has made me realise that I have pretty eclectic musical tastes and that I know a little about a lot of musical genres which I want to explore more of. This frightens me as it is going to cost me a fortune!
Current faves are:

King Tubby
Low
The Cult
U2
Eno
Hope you agree, a fairly eclectic (and slightly uncool in places) mix.
This got me thinking about 'cool' taste in music and how some people (mainly women) like music for musics sake. (For instance my g/f likes The Pixies, Keane and Katie Melua and doesn't know the difference between a guitar and a bass!) and nerdy men whose taste in music seems more driven by its obscurity than any enjoyment it might bring. I suppose I used to consider myself one of the latter but all sorts of uncool stuff has helped me through some bad times lately (big up to Christina Aguilera!)

Hunter S. Thompson to be shot again!

2005-02-28T17:23:00.000Z

Very sorry to hear recently of the passing of the chief gonzo, and not just because his books have started to sell loads again, making me busier at work.
also hear he may well be shot again.
I can't think of a better way for the great man to go unless his ashes were cut up with a load of Class A's

Poetic Misery

2005-02-27T19:43:00.000Z

I suppose at some point I will write about the end of my marriage but in the meantime, http://thebreakup.blogspot.com will have to do as this guy writes more poetically and with more feeling than I ever could. I fear mine might just be a very un-poetic slice of vitriol.

Back from Spongebob

2005-02-27T18:44:00.000Z

which was quite frankly (square) pants and I did my usual take kids to film, catch up on my sleep routine. I had heard, however that SB and his starfish (snigger) friend Patrick had been in trouble with the christian right in the US so thought I'd link to this below. Dangerous sentiments but great music!
http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Evils%20in%20America/Sodomy/spongebob_and_homosexuality.htm

2005-02-27T12:17:00.000Z

I suppose my first post should be witty and thought provoking but I have to get the boys lunch and take the to see Spongebob so a hearty welcome will have to do. I am learning this blogging stuff but rest assured one day it will be a multimedia extravaganza