Tuesday, August 09, 2005

So then things got really messy...

The last few weeks have seen me at the darkest place I have been and I haven't really felt like blogging, haven't felt like revealing my innermost stuff because it has just been too dark but now...

After Tanya & I split I became totally lost, I hate investing so much in one thing (I know unfairly) only for it to go wrong, I must learn not to do it again but then I would feel I was holding back and there never seems much point to that. So I had 2 weeks holiday booked from work, to have the kids and to do some things with them. The first week was to be spent at home, catching up on some practical stuff and spending some quality time with the boys, instead everything hit me at once, like a black avalanche, money/home/Tanya/Claire/loneliness/parenthood
And thats how things have continued pretty much. I took the boys away for a week to Butlins, I think they had a good time, but i felt I was wandering round like a zombie for a week, I had certainly got the black dog, as bad as I have ever had it. Then back to work (which I usually look forward to, some intelligent adult company and a chance to have a laugh. But of course Tanya was there and we weren't speaking, coupled with the fact that work becomes more stressful every week as they pile more & more unreasonable demands on everyone, for no reward. So everyone ends up snapping at everyone else and the atmosphere is poisonous.
And now Claire has taken the boys away for a week with her boyfriend, which, I think naturally, has really upset me, how dare they have a fucking family holiday, what the fuck has she done to deserve to find happiness when all i find is more misery at every turn.
I did think blogging was helping me, but a fast as i excrete poison, more replaces it, this could very well be my last entry. Thanks for listening

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