Thursday, May 26, 2005

Long Time No Speak

Well, I suppose I should explain my absence first of all before getting down to the natty gritty...
Things here in my head have been in a bit of a turmoil, life never seems to get any better, I have finally and irrevocably split up with my girlfriend, we each had far too many issues for the other to deal with, I hoped we could remain friends as we work together and she is a very special person but I think we both found it too hard to stop bucking with each others heads.

I then thought I would take the opportunity to get some self-awareness, I guess it all started when my ex-wife asked me to go round and help her sort her CV out (yes, I already know I am as soft as shit!) and she made the mistake of leaving me alone with her computer, so of course I read a couple of things I shouldn't have, not bad in themselves but it brought up a lot of the old feelings about our split and that got me thinking... perhaps I can learn from mistakes I made in the past to make my life better in the future (time for an aphorism)
the past
are condemned
repeat it
(George Santayana)
so I started revisiting the past, looking through old correspondence with my ex-wife, looking for clues as to why I was in the situation I was in, I think I have always shouldered more than my share of the blame for our split and needed to see that things were not all my fault. However I could find very little to go on but then I remembered that I am storing a lot of her stuff (yes, I know. I know!) including her old computer... so whats a boy to do? Probably should have left well alone, thats what! But no, I became quite adept at finding deleted files (I sometimes think I am wasted in my current job!) so I found some correspondence and other stuff which shed a bit more light on our split and her subsequent activities (at least from her point of view). This gave me plenty of food for thought and think I did. But of course that wasn't enough, that stuff was a year old and since then I know she has started a blog (she told me she had started one but wouldn't give me the address because it would upset me) and started seeing someone ( who we never really discussed for the same reason) so there was more (have you noticed yet that I might be a little obsessed, really this is all for my own good!).
So to cut a long, rambling and boring post short, this evening I finally found her blog (you don't really think I hadn't been looking ever since she told me she had been blogging do you?)
Its not particularly work safe but if you want to read it, its here
So, how did it make me feel, I guess the answer is I don't know, I do know I could never be everything to her, I was pretty good at being husband/provider/father to her kids (note no reference to them on her blog!). Just crap at being lover/soul mate I suppose. Obviously (or not, perhaps I'm just sick) there is a certain prurient interest, but I am also glad she seems happy. (Time for Aphorism 2, don't know if I have posted this one before or if it is original.)
is not
on others
anyway, this post has rambled on for far too long, I know promise you, dear reader, that I will post more and varied stuff, some light, some dark.
P.S. Just spoken to the ex to tell her I knew, she is going to delete her blog which seems wise to me, not for my sake but the SLG's not that I would ever use it against her, I am far too decent for that.


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