Thursday, September 01, 2005

Free Your Mind And Your Ass Will Follow

Just back from my first meditation class run by these lovely people.
Now, anyone who knows me well will realise that I am not comfortable with any religion, organised or not, but the idea of meditation has appealed to me for a little while now. The chance to clear my head of everything which has been churning around and trying to find some inner peace might be just what I am looking for.
So, how did I feel it went? Well, not bad for a first attempt at something which I would previously have been pretty cynical about. I didn't fall asleep which was one of my worries. I think I had failed to appreciate the need to meditate on something, this 'term' we shall mostly be meditating on love & relationships which could be interesting! Oh, and our teacher looked just like Moby (no surprise there then!)

On a separate note, I will respond to Z & EM's comments below when I have meditated on them!

Wednesday, August 31, 2005


The number of divorces granted in the UK has reached its highest level since 1996, new statistics reveal.
Charity Relate said the rise was partly due to pressure being put on family life by an increasingly "individualistic way of living".

Well, I'm so glad that there is a sociological explanation!

When The Levee Breaks

If it keeps on rainin’, levee’s goin’ to break,If it keeps on rainin’, levee’s goin’ to break,When the levee breaks I’ll have no place to stay.Mean old levee taught me to weep and moan,
and if that doesn't persuade them to take global warming seriously, I don't know what will!

Monday, August 22, 2005

Happiness Is A Worn Gun

So, maybe I should be concentrating on things that make me happy...

  1. Spending quality time with my kids - except I don't feel like a good dad at the moment, and don't want to poison them with all my bitterness.
  2. Intelligent, informed conversation - but where does one find such a thing?
  3. Sex - and how likely is that to happen in the forseeable future?
  4. Hugs - ditto
  5. Sleep - I am currently existing on 4-5 hours a night, and scared of waking because that is my lowest ebb.
  6. Retail therapy - with no money?
  7. Music - even this, my one true love, the one that has never let me down in the past, seems to have lost it's lustre.
  8. Baths / showers - a simple pleasure but I always think clearer after abluting!
  9. Achieving - little victories still help.
  10. Making someone laugh - still my greatest quality I think, but are they laughing with me or...

Fuck me I'm miserable (on 2nd thoughts, who would!)

Blog Fog

I haven't been doing much blogging lately, mainly because I am confused as to whether it is helping. I also feel that maybe I should be doing more practical stuff in order to sort my life out, rather than wittering on about what is wrong in my life.
Tonight I feel like posting but can't decide how honest I want to be, I know that if I was totally honest about my feelings at the moment instead of merely hinting at my mental state, then I might drive away the few readers I really do have. But hey, if you can't handle it, don't come here.

Everything Counts In Large Amounts

I don't know whats wrong with my counter, just wish I was really THAT popular!

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Officially Certified

Find out what certificate the BBFC would give your life here

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

So then things got really messy...

The last few weeks have seen me at the darkest place I have been and I haven't really felt like blogging, haven't felt like revealing my innermost stuff because it has just been too dark but now...

After Tanya & I split I became totally lost, I hate investing so much in one thing (I know unfairly) only for it to go wrong, I must learn not to do it again but then I would feel I was holding back and there never seems much point to that. So I had 2 weeks holiday booked from work, to have the kids and to do some things with them. The first week was to be spent at home, catching up on some practical stuff and spending some quality time with the boys, instead everything hit me at once, like a black avalanche, money/home/Tanya/Claire/loneliness/parenthood
And thats how things have continued pretty much. I took the boys away for a week to Butlins, I think they had a good time, but i felt I was wandering round like a zombie for a week, I had certainly got the black dog, as bad as I have ever had it. Then back to work (which I usually look forward to, some intelligent adult company and a chance to have a laugh. But of course Tanya was there and we weren't speaking, coupled with the fact that work becomes more stressful every week as they pile more & more unreasonable demands on everyone, for no reward. So everyone ends up snapping at everyone else and the atmosphere is poisonous.
And now Claire has taken the boys away for a week with her boyfriend, which, I think naturally, has really upset me, how dare they have a fucking family holiday, what the fuck has she done to deserve to find happiness when all i find is more misery at every turn.
I did think blogging was helping me, but a fast as i excrete poison, more replaces it, this could very well be my last entry. Thanks for listening

Disclaimer (2)

Probably a better disclaimer than I could have written

Monday, August 08, 2005

Well it amused me

Short and sweet

Having my cake

I thought I'd lay off the blogging for a while (as I think I have been coming across as a bit 'mad'...) and do some more practical stuff instead, like clearing my kitchen cupboards of all the hoarded detritus that collects, you know the sort of stuff, foodstuffs that seemed like a good idea at the time, implements that never get used, little pots that might have come in handy one day to store something. Anyway, I also chucked some of the boys cutlery/crockery/baby stuff which made me more than slightly melancholy, and then, and then I put 'The Bends' by Radiohead on (good move!) and delved deep into a cupboard, pulled out a cake-tin, opened it up, and there lay the bottom tier of our wedding cake.
Oh shit!

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Independence Day

"I can't stand up and I can't sit down
'cos a great big problem stopped me in my tracks
I can't relax 'cos I haven't done a thing
and I can't do a thing 'cos I can't relax"
(Comsat Angels)
So in response to my anonymous commentor below (and I am getting really pissed off with people leaving anonymous comments, leave your name and then I can decide whether your comment/advice is worth heeding), yes there can be too much independence, I am tired of keeping all the balls in the air without any crutch to lean on sometimes (strange vision of me as a disabled juggler comes to mind)
So now I've found out who the anonymous poster is, I don't propose to use this public arena to say just how hypocritical their comment is.


So, I have 2 weeks off work, the first week I am spending at home, supposedly spending some quality time with the boys and doing chores, the second taking the boys to Butlins (they love it, and so, secretly do I!).
I realise that I need to use this time productively, being a good dad and sorting out all the things on my to do list. So why do I spend most of my time staring into space and wondering where it all went wrong (again!)? I don't propose to write why Tanya & I went wrong again, suffice to say we had different values and too many issues for each other to deal with.
I don't really know where my life is going again, I feel I need to break out of the work/kids/home triangle but as I don't seem to be able even to cope with them, perhaps I am not ready to take on anything more. I think maybe that I need to forget about finding strength from others and find it within myself. But then I get scared that if I get too independent I will cut myself off from others. Its a quandary!